Finding Oneself
by wizardofahz
Summary: An Alex-centric one shot because living through an assassination attempt and WPP is probably way more traumatic than the show has portrayed it to be. Alex/Cragen friendship, set in season 11


Disclaimer: I own only my imagination. Nothing more, nothing less.

A/N: I always wished the show would do more with Alex now that they have her back, especially because they never really touched on how traumatic of an experience Alex went through. But hey, I guess that's what fanfic is for, right?

Also, I wrote this as if _Conviction _never happened. As far as I'm concerned, the Alex Cabot in that show is from an alternate universe or something.

* * *

**post-Confidential**

Finally responding to the incessant knocking, Alex opened her apartment door to find Captain Cragen.

"Don," she greeted quizzically. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you're ok," he replied.

She stared at him briefly then allowed him to enter.

Alex went to the kitchen to retrieve a ginger ale for him (her drink choice of the evening was much more alcoholic – definitely not suitable for an AA member) and joined him in the living room.

"So are you ok?" Cragen asked, as the blonde gestured for him to sit. He complied, settling onto her expensive-looking couch.

Alex took a sip of her drink and sat in an adjacent armchair. "Why wouldn't I be? I only got lectured in court… You know me, happens all the time."

And it certainly wasn't the first time Liz lectured her.

Cragen smirked as he remembered pouring the young ADA a drink after her first in-court scolding. At the time, he certainly wouldn't have predicted that she would make a habit out of it.

"But you could've won your case."

Alex shrugged. "Elliot asked me not to."

"And now he wants to arrest Block for conspiracy to commit murder."

"Very fickle." At Cragen's look, she added, "Oh I'm not blaming him. I didn't have to pursue this case."

"He arrested her, and you did your job," Cragen responded with the stereotypical company line.

"I could have cut her loose, but I didn't." Alex laughed humorlessly. "I took a case for a political statement. What have I become?"

Cragen smiled at her. "Well I seem to remember a young Alex Cabot with political aspirations."

"Don't remind me," Alex groaned. "Besides, that died very quickly."

Cragen nodded somberly. "Live victims will do that to you."

"Working with this squad will do that to me," Alex retorted, only half jokingly.

And because he couldn't quite disagree with her, he asked instead, "Why did you do it? You've said no to us before."

She must've drunk more than she thought because Alex heard herself saying honestly, "Because I can't stand defense lawyers. I see Lionel Granger, and I remember his smarmy face telling me he'll 'enjoy this' as he defends Zapata. I see Roger Kressler, and I want to knock his teeth down his throat for defending Roy Barnett and Liam Connors. I think about the whole lot of them trying to get perverts and monsters off, and it makes me sick."

Cragen nodded understandingly. "It's enough to make anyone sick."

Alex nodded and polished off her drink. She got up to pour herself another glass.

Cragen took a sip of his ginger ale and asked hesitantly, "Do you regret coming back to Special Victims?"

The blonde returned, but instead of sitting she began to pace as she considered her answer.

"When I finally came back to the Sex Crimes Bureau, so much was different. Instead of Barry and Liz, they're both Your Honor. And I got a series of 'You've been away for too long. Lost your touch.' 'I'm glad you're back, Alexandra. Try to show up prepared next time.' and 'The Alexandra Cabot I remember…' and that was just during my first case back. It's been driving me insane. I've been driving me insane."

It wasn't the answer Cragen expected or was even looking for, but she was talking openly, and he considered that to be a good thing.

If his instincts were right, she hadn't talked to anyone about her ordeal since she returned.

"Everyone expected me to pick up where ADA Alexandra Cabot from 2003 left off, but I'm not that person anymore. I wish I were, but she died and was replaced by six WitSec identities' lives. And now…"

Alex drifted off.

In a way, though she was loath to admit it, Liam Connors had been right. When everyone believed her to be dead, her life as Emily had been relatively all right despite her paranoia that every stranger and car could be trying to kill her.

When she was moved after the trial, life had become very different. The reveal that she was alive combined with the fact that her return had proved unfortunate for one of their hit men began the cartel's dangerous cat-and-mouse game, resulting in five very temporary sequential identities.

If her paranoia had been bad before the trial, afterwards was… well, it was an experience. When she returned after Velez's death, Alex was torn between resuming her life as it was before so Velez wouldn't win from the grave and avoiding New York because she didn't believe it was really over.

Cragen said nothing. They had strayed far from his question, but she didn't seem to have noticed, and he didn't mind.

He simply waited for her to speak again.

"I was only away for two years – almost two and a half – and I've been back for four," Alex said almost absentmindedly. "Why haven't I figured out who I am yet?"

"Alex, you've gone through a traumatic experience…"

Cragen's tone suddenly cut through her. It was extremely gentle and possibly laced with (God forbid) pity. It wasn't right.

She felt as though cold water had been dumped on her head.

"Don't do that, Don," Alex said sharply, feeling increasingly uncomfortable as she realized just how much she'd let spill. "Stop talking to me like I'm a victim."

She looked down at the culprit that was her glass and set it aside.

"You were. You are," Cragen said, his voice still gentle. "You can't figure out who you are until you face that."

"There's nothing to face," the blonde denied stubbornly.

Cragen sighed. And they had been doing so well. "Alex –"

"I'm fine, Don. Really," Alex cut him off forcefully, unsure as to whether she was trying to reassure him or herself. "Ignore all that stuff I said. I'm ok. I'm always ok."

Ever since childhood, she had learned to keep up appearances. She could still hear her mother telling her, "Chin up and head high like a lady, Alexandra. Never let the sharks get a whiff of blood, or it'll turn into a feeding frenzy."

Her mother…

She hadn't even been able to say good-bye.

Alex shook away the thought just in time to hear Cragen say, "That's just a clever way of saying you're never ok."

"Don, please," Alex said, her tone on the borderline of pleading. "Just let it go."

They stared at each other until Cragen finally acquiesced. He headed for the door, pausing when his hand reached the doorknob.

He turned back to face her.

"I'm always here for you. Always have been and always will be. You know where to find me if you want to talk."

* * *

**post-Witness**

Cragen looked up as he heard a knock at his door. Alex stood there awkwardly, and he beckoned her in.

"I heard. International Criminal Court, huh?"

"Yeah." Alex sat down in front of his desk. "I already put in my papers."

Cragen pulled out his secret stash, silently offering to pour her a drink, but she declined with a shake of the head. "Just tell me you're not running away."

After their conversation in her apartment, the good captain had given the prosecutor space to clear her head and process the night's "embarrassments." She hadn't asked him to talk, but several days later, she did tell him she was grateful for the offer and would keep it in mind.

And he was more than content with that. It was a good first step.

"Don, it's only a leave of absence, not a resignation."

"Do you think you'll find yourself out there?" She didn't respond, choosing instead to stare over his shoulder, so Cragen asked a different question. "Alex, are you sure this is the right thing for you?"

"I have to do it." The blonde's voice was resolute.

"It's dangerous territory, Alex," Cragen said, part of him hoping he could persuade her not to go. "You'll be dealing with people tens and hundreds of times worse than Velez."

"I know," Alex replied stubbornly. "That's why I have to do it."

Cragen sighed. Alex had always been too gung-ho to let things go.

He opened a drawer. "Take this."

Alex stared at the pistol – straight shot, won't jam up if she remembered correctly. She had returned it to him after she dropped the case and the Feds arrested Zapata. She'd thought that meant she was in the clear.

How very wrong she was.

Not that it would have helped.

"Take it," Cragen repeated, extending his arm out to her. "I'll have License Division expedite a carry permit again. It'll be ready for you tomorrow. You can figure out the international procedures later."

"Don, you don't have to –"

Cragen cut her off, "You're like a daughter to me. I want you to be safe."

Alex smiled lightly at the statement. "You can't protect me from everything."

"Doesn't mean I won't try."

He bobbed the pistol, indicating once again that she should take it.

"Thanks," Alex said, accepting the gun and placing it in her bag. "I should go. I have to get my affairs in order."

Cragen nodded, and Alex stood to leave.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," Cragen said as she reached the door.

Alex turned back to face him.

"Me too."

* * *

**_"Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." _ _C.S. Lewis_**

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_Thanks for reading!_


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